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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173592">Subjective</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a'>Accal1a</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, LGBTQ Themes, Lightwood Siblings Feels, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:20:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,302</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173592</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Alec Lightwood heard a gay joke, and 1 time he made one himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Robert</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <strong>This fic will go heavily into LGBT issues including homophobia. This is a character study and journey of Alec, so it starts with some familial homophobia and moves through his own internalised homophobia too.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>With that in mind, please only read if this is something you feel able to do.</p><p>Art done by the wonderful <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/femme/pseuds/Fatale">Fatale</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>Alec knew that it was going to happen eventually. His father had been talking about him taking on a leadership role, of upholding the family name as soon as Robert himself deemed him ready to do so, for years. In fact he found that he couldn't remember a time when that wasn't expected of him. Being the oldest seemed to have a weight to it that had crept up on him slowly; and now that the time was here, he wasn't sure he had the strength to carry it.</p><p>It wasn't that he thought he couldn't be a leader, although he was starting to think he didn't <em>deserve</em> to be one, it was more that being in a public role would make things difficult. He knew that he didn't have a chance at a happy life, but he did at least have a chance at a <em>full</em> life. If he could put all of his energy into being the best Shadowhunter that he could be, maybe any slights, perceived or actual, would slide. Maybe no-one would know.<br/>
<br/>
At first it had almost been...well not <em>fun</em>, but at least interesting and taxing. He got lost in the days he spent with his father, following him around the Institute, sitting in on his various meetings, listening to all of the procedures and policies that were needed to run the New York branch of their organisation. He learnt that The Clave was an unweildy beast with some archaic ideas and there were several ways that things could be done more efficiently. When he had pointed these out to his father he was told in no uncertain terms that they weren't to be questioned, that this was how things had always been done, and that he was lucky he'd only brought them up to him. If he had spoken to someone else, they could have reported him for insubordination, but as his son he was willing to overlook it, so long as he stamped those thoughts out right now. An insubordination mark wasn't something a Lightwood had on their file. They were above such things. Alec nodded his assent, but privately thought if he ever got to the heady rank of leader, he'd try and change some things.</p><p>After that, he'd been taken out on missions. Technically Shadowhunters were cleared for field duty as soon as they were bestowed the Angelic Power rune, but in practice even the Clave weren't dumb enough to send out rookies. They jealously guarded their half-angel heritage and to do that you couldn't have your soldiers dying immediately, not before they'd propagated the species. Alec was bitter about that fact too. He found that he spent a lot of time bitter these days.</p><p>Alec wasn't sure when he'd started to realise he wasn't like the other recruits. People often spoke about him, attempted to bully him because of who he was, but he often put them on their ass if he needed to. When Jace started to speak about girls and nudge Alec for 'ones he might like' he found that there weren't any he liked the look of, at all. Shadowhunters married young and popped out children as soon as possible, because you never knew if the night you left the Institute would be your last. He liked children, he was good with them, he was excellent at looking after Max, even if his father often told him it was beneath him to do so.</p><p>Yet the idea of having some of his own horrified him.</p><p>It wasn't until Nathaniel Aspenfield turned up in training that Alec finally got an inkling about what was going on. He was broken. He didn't want children because he didn't want a woman, and that was deplorable. It made him shudder to think about. He knew his duty. He knew what was expected of him. He knew he wouldn't be able to get out of it, but he silently wished he could. He was going to be trapped.<br/>
<br/>
When Jace turned up, everything changed. He had a partner in crime, a built in best friend, a <em>brother </em> for the first time and he started to think that maybe he could do this, maybe he wasn't destined to be alone forever.</p><p>Unfortunately, fate was a fickle mistress. Just when he thought that he had some control over his life he realised that he was thinking of Jace all the time, whether he was with him or he wasn't. The feelings that he had so forcefully pushed down when he met Nathaniel came back full force. Suddenly he was looking at the plump nature of Jace's lips, the lean form when he trained, the crinkles he got around his eyes when he laughed.</p><p>Alec started to push away from his new brother, allowed himself to train with him but spend very little time with him otherwise. Anything to stop the gnawing yearning in his gut every time he saw him. It worked to a point, but it was also causing grief in Jace. Alec could see it in how he himself started to push away too; Alec could see the pain return to Jace's eyes, the pain that he had when Alec's parents first adopted him. Jace was withdrawing, feeling like he was losing someone else and hardening himself from the pain. As soon as Alec worked it out, he made a concerted effort to spend more time with him, to clamp down on his own feelings and look after him. He could do this. He could ignore himself to help someone else. He'd been doing it his whole life, there was no reason a silly crush should stop that.</p><p>Alec put a mask in place and forced himself to spend more time with Jace. He trained with him, he broke bread with him, he mourned with him and celebrated with him. Most days it was enough, just to be near him, to get the scrap of affection that was their friendship. Other days it hurt so much he didn't know how he was able to breathe.</p><p>When people started to comment on how close they were, how suited they were to each other, Alec initially thought there had been a radical shift in Shadowhunter doctrine. That maybe it <em>was </em>okay to be himself, that maybe the feelings <em>could</em> be reciprocated. It was a stupid hope that was there one second and gone the next. He was an idiot for even thinking it. Once he'd worked out what the whispers were actually saying, it made sense.</p><p><em>Parabatai</em>.</p><p>It was a scared bond, they would be bonded by their very souls. It was as close to a person as you could get. It was more than marriage. More than family. It was a total surrender of ones ownself. It was too much. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be that close to Jace and yet so far, it would tear him apart.</p><p>
  <em>Parabatai.</em>
</p><p>The word chased Alec around the Institute for months. He evaded the question from anyone who asked, pushed the thought from his mind and ignored the nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him this would actually be a good thing, that it tied Jace to him and that would be perfect. He couldn't do it, it would be hell for him and unfair to Jace. He had to shut the idea down. <em>Now</em>.</p><p>When his father called him into his office, he knew that he was in trouble. Often, he would be pulled aside after Robert Lightwood did a briefing in the Ops Centre, or he would seek him out in the training room. When he was summoned, he knew that it was serious.<br/>
<br/>
"Come!" Robert shouted when Alec knocked on the door.</p><p>Alec tamped down his unease, took a deep breath and opened the door. He walked in and stood to attention in front of the desk, looking at the stained-glass window behind it, mapping the shape of Raziel in the glass. The picture had always fascinated him when he was younger because of all the colours, now it held a different connotation. Now it reminded him of his duty and that he was irrevocably bound to it. Now it hurt to see; but he still looked at it nonetheless. He needed to, especially when his strength wavered. Especially when he needed to tell himself who he had to be.<br/>
<br/>
"Alexander."<br/>
<br/>
"Father." Alec said in the same clipped tone of voice. It was half emulation and half battle armour. If he was terse and professional maybe it would bleed into how he was feeling as well. If he exuded strength maybe he would actually <em>have</em> strength. It hadn't worked for the last sixteen years of his life, but it couldn't hurt to at least try again. Maybe this time it would.</p><p>"Have a seat."</p><p>Alec faltered long enough that Robert Lightwood gave him a stern look. It had to be serious if he was being told to have a seat. In fact, he only had very hazy memories of being here as a young boy and sitting on chairs in the office, the rest of the time he was there for orders or a dressing down, both done when he was to attention. This was new.</p><p>"As you know, this Institute will be yours someday." Robert started, the conviction in his tone smothering to his eldest son.</p><p>Alec had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Any time that he was in trouble it started the same way. He had to be better, work better, because he had to be a shining example of Shadowhunter society. Lightwoods were a beacon. He waited for the next bit of Robert's lecture to start.</p><p>"To do so, you need to be the strongest you can be, the best you can be. You know this. I <em>know</em> you know this."</p><p>"Yes, Father."</p><p>"Good," Robert said, still talking in that same measured voice that he always spoke in, "then do tell me why you're actively seeking to destroy that ideal?"</p><p>"I don't under..."</p><p>Robert waved him off and Alec stuttered to a stop. He couldn't work out what his father might be getting at. He hadn't done anything wrong for weeks, perhaps even months. Shadowhunters weren't ones to let things slide, if you had messed up, you found out in short order. No-one had said anything to him at all about his conduct recently.</p><p>"Do you remember the first day Jace arrived?" The elder Shadowhunter asked, catching his son entirely off guard.</p><p>"I..."</p><p>"It was a horrific day, far too much to be getting on with even if you weren't accepting in an orphan. There was that catastrophic Ravener attack in Manhattan which killed so many mundanes, the Tel Aviv Institute was ransacked, and several very precious documents were stolen. I had so many things to do, but I was there to meet him when he came out of that portal. I knew he was going to be special the moment I laid eyes on him."</p><p>"I..."</p><p>"When you two met it was like I'd be transported back 20 years. I could so clearly see Michael in him and could so clearly see you in me. I knew then that you two would make a formidable team, just like we did. I still believe that."</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>"So, I wonder if you could explain to me why you've been dodging speaking or even thinking about the Parabatai ceremony? Not everyone has the capacity for it of course, not everyone finds their one, but when they do they should cherish it." Robert looked straight into his son's eyes. "So, you can understand why I was dumbfounded to find out that you were fighting it. You two are both formidable warriors, but together, with the strength you would give each other through your runes, you would be nigh on unstoppable."</p><p>"Father, I don't..." Alec started, unsure what he was going to say. He had to stop this.<br/>
<br/>
"You're dismissed, Alexander."</p><p>All of Alec's words died on his tongue at that short sentence. It would <em>have</em> to happen now, he had no choice. He wondered whether he'd been fooling himself into thinking he ever had.</p><p>"Yes, Father."</p><p>~~~</p><p>Jace asked the question with a nervous tone that he didn't often belay. He shifted his stance multiple times, rubbed his hand across the back of his head and could only meet Alec's eyes every other second.</p><p>Alec thought he was beautiful, even if he couldn't really think that. Wasn't <em>allowed</em> to think that. With the bashful blush ghosting his cheeks and shining eyes he looked every bit of his Angel heritage. As if Alec could deny him anything. Part of him was just so grateful that he hadn't had to be the one to ask. That would have seemed like one defeat too many.</p><p>After he'd agreed, it was better. People started treating them differently, as if they already were linked. They fought, they trained, they laughed, they spent every single minute together and it was <em>agony</em>.</p><p>~~~<br/>
<br/>
Alec knew it was only a matter of time until Isabelle found out, but he'd been jealously guarding the time he thought he still had with her. He didn't want it to end, not when it had been them against the world for such a long time.</p><p>He'd voiced some distress about the bond in a fit of pique, and she'd just turned to him and worked it out in that quick way she always did with a problem. He loved her for that.</p><p>"The only time people actually do that is if they fall in love with their...oh."</p><p>Alec knew he looked stricken when his sister worked out his shame. He couldn't lose Izzy, he just couldn't. He could survive whatever life threw at him, even being linked by his soul to a man who would never reciprocate his affection, <em>anything</em> as long as he could keep his sister.</p><p>Isabelle then did what Alec never would have expected. She reassured him, told him he would find someone one day and told him that the Parabatai bond was important. That night, he broke down on her in her room, sitting with his head resting on her lap, her hands carding through his hair as he cried. She told him that he was perfect, that he was he was whole, that he had nothing to be ashamed of.</p><p>Isabelle had never lied to him, so when she said it, he almost believed her.<br/>
<br/>
~~~</p><p>After the ceremony he felt different. He and Jace were always in sync, but this was something else. Alec could feel him, knew what he was going to do almost before he did it, and when Jace activated his runes he could feel how much more powerful they were than when he did it himself. Maybe the Parabatai bond was something he could live within. Maybe eveything really would be okay?<br/>
<br/>
~~~<br/>
<br/>
On one of the first missions out after they'd been joined by their very souls, Alec found himself watching the other pairs of Parabatai who fought with them, the way they were so in sync, the way that they seemed to anticipate threats to their other half. It was fascinating to watch and he wondered whether he and Jace looked like that, whether they would learn to look like that over time.</p><p>When Alec looked over at Jace at one point during the fight, he saw Jace looking back at him, happiness blooming through the bond. He could see that Jace had had the same thought. Alec couldn't help but smile back.</p><p>The patrol was so routine that Alec was sure that he, Jace and Izzy could have done it alone, but he couldn't help but enjoy the hunt with his father, and with his father's friends. He felt like he got to see the real Robert Lightwood when he did so. The man was a good leader, but he was clearly a good warrior too. It was nice to be out of the confines of the Institute and seeing that other facet of his life. Not every Head of Institute could bridge both those roles. Alec knew he had a good teacher.</p><p>The heady, happy feeling that Alec felt, the feedback loop of happiness from Jace's love of the hunt; Jace's love of spending time with Robert; Jace's knowledge that he and Alec were just like his father and Robert, bringing him closer to his father in a way that mere stories or memories couldn't; lasted until they were in the weapons room at the Institute.</p><p>All of the Shadowhunters were de-weaponing, throwing Seraph blades into baskets, taking off gear that they didn't need until they went back on another hunt. It was organised chaos and Alec was surprised to find that despite always taking comfort in order and routine he loved the post-mission scramble as adrenaline ran down and runes burnt off. It was somehow calming despite its frenetic nature.</p><p>That was until his father slapped his hand on Alvin Greenstorm's shoulder and laughed.</p><p>"You see Truestone take a hit from that Eidolon demon? He didn't even see that it was there! If he were anymore useless I'd think he swung for the other team."<br/>
<br/>
Alec felt like the whole room stilled, and he waited for someone to say something. Anything. But No-one did. What everyone did do was start laughing with Robert.</p><p>When Alec noticed that even Jace was laughing at the joke, it felt like a bubble had burst into tiny knives that sliced at his heart. He'd known he couldn't have this. He's known that he was never going to be happy; but he'd had that sliver of hope that Jace might feel the same, that he wasn't going to be going through this societal minefield alone.</p><p>The clatter of weapons helped ground him until he could get into his room. He slashed at his Blocking rune to activate it, barely feeling it activate before he was crying, leaking tears of failure down his cheeks as he fell to the bed. He scrubbed angrily at his face, because he shouldn't be upset, he had set himself up to fail. It was him who was defective, he <em>should</em> have laughed at the joke, at all of the jokes that were said about people like him. People like him. He was a 'like him'.</p><p>The thought made him feel nauseous and he only just got to the toilet before he was being sick, throwing up bile that felt like the last of his hope.<em><br/>
<br/>
</em>~~~<br/>
<br/>
"You embarrassed me today, Alexander." Robert said slowly, with an underlying tone of menace.</p><p>Alec, fully grown and a leader in his own right among the younger Shadowhunters, still felt small and insignificant in his father's presence, even more so when he was being looked at like that.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Father." Alec said reflexively, not sure what he was apologising for. He was very rarely sure what he was apologising for. Usually that was enough for his father, but it didn't seem like he was going to get off that easily this time.</p><p>"What are you sorry <em>for</em>?"</p><p>"Because I embarrassed you." Alec tried, again hoping that would be enough.</p><p>"Alexander," Robert Lightwood warned, "w<em>hat </em>are you apologising for?"</p><p>Alec was silent, he really didn't know what he was talking about. All he'd done today was train, go out on a hunt with him and some older Shadowhunters. Had he done something whilst he was out hunting? Had he missed an opportunity to kill one of the demons? Had he been distracted and someone else had to save him, jeopardising their own life?</p><p>
  <em>Honesty was always the best policy.</em>
</p><p>"I don't know, father."</p><p>Robert looked at his son with disgust, the worries that he dare not think when he was lying in bed at night nagging him in the day light for once. He moved around from behind his desk so he could stand in front of his son.</p><p>"Being a Shadowhunter is about duty, it's about knowing that the person next to you has your back, and it's <em>also</em> about camaraderie. So, Alexander," Robert said, leaning his arms on the chair, so he could get as close to his son as possible, "when I make a joke, or comment on a hunt, I expect you to act accordingly. Do you understand?"</p><p>Alec swallowed hard, all of his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. It was the closest his father had ever come to saying that he thought he was different, damaged, and he didn't know what to say about it. He could hear his blood rushing in his ears and wanted to be back in his room before he threw up or started to cry, neither of which would be conducive to a good relationship with his father.</p><p>Alec said the only thing he could under the circumstances even though it hurt him to even tangentially agree that the joke had been okay.</p><p>"Yes, father."</p><p>Robert stood back up straight and walked around his desk and sat down. "Dismissed."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Mundane</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn't any different to a normal patrol. In that everything invariably went slightly wrong.</p><p>Mundanes were all over the sidewalk, making it difficult to get through the throng. Alec fought through it with a practised grace. He tended to sidestep great crowds, even though his glamour meant that mundanes subconsciously moved around him. It felt strange to be the immovable object, as if he was a rock in a stream of the normal world. It felt unnatural somehow.</p><p>The nest of Ravener demons that they were tracking had been a nightmare of epic proportions. What started as a routine patrol had become a scavenger hunt across a large swathe of the city. When one nest had been despatched, it was only to find that there were clues to another one in another area. Alec knew that they needed to divest the world of demons, but he also, just once, would like a mission to go as planned in the mission objective.</p><p>Perhaps that was always going to be too much to ask.</p><p>Jace and Izzy had got slightly ahead of him, scouting the path. He was always the one supporting, always the one being the rear guard. It wasn't something that he did consciously. It had just always been his default, a way to keep his siblings safe, even before he had started to use a bow which meant close quarter combat wasn't appropriate. He could see them ahead of him, he could support them with a ranged attack if needed. It was a role that he fell into effortlessly at some point in his childhood and it was one he didn't think he could break even if he tried.</p><p>The other two Lightwoods broke ahead slightly further, and Alec moved through the mundanes to catch up, not wanting them to move too far away from him.</p><p>That's when it happened.</p><p>"God, I can't think straight in this heat. It should be illegal for New York to be this hot!" A young man said dramatically, fanning himself with his hand. He had bracelets all up his wrists and sported a few silver rings on his hands. He was clearly surrounded by friends by the way that they had all been joking together.</p><p>Alec thought he was probably his age, or perhaps even slightly younger. He wondered what it would be like to just be out with friends like this, effortlessly spending time with them without thinking about the end of the world all the time. He hadn't given much thought to mundanes before, but now he thought perhaps it would be a peaceful existence. He wished with at least part of his soul that he could have that calm.</p><p>As if on cue, three of the people surrounding the man stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned to him.</p><p>"Can you <em>ever </em>think straight?" They all chorused.</p><p>Alec held his breath waiting for the man to answer, but he didn't have to hold it for long, because the man started laughing at the repetition.</p><p>"Look. 'I'm too gay for this heat' doesn't have quite the same ring to it." He said petulantly but laughed nonetheless.</p><p>A girl who must have been younger than Izzy, with multicoloured hair and beautifully painted nails winked at the man. "Still true though."</p><p>"Fine," the man replied. "Yes. New York! I am far too gay for your heat!" The man declared to everyone around him.</p><p>The gaggle of young men and women moved away from where Alec was standing, stock still in the centre of the sidewalk. They continued to laugh and joke, jovially shoving each other and chatting like he would with his siblings. It was at once achingly familiar and so far removed from his life that he could barely breathe.</p><p>No-one had said anything. No-one had stared at the man when he had said that. New York had carried on with the steady stream of rushing people that were flowing past him, as they always did.</p><p>It was like it hadn't mattered.</p><p>~~~</p><p>That evening, Alec stole a tablet from the ops centre. It was the only thing he had ever taken without permission. He expected someone to call him back the whole way to his room, even though he held it as inconspicuously as he could in his large hand. He kept it in the hand close to the wall the entire way down the multiple corridors to the residential areas, and only breathed out fully when he had closed and slashed a locking rune on his door.</p><p>He went to sit at his desk, pulling the chair out and placing the tablet down on the table, but after a moment of staring down at it, he still hadn't sat down. It felt too much like work, and this wasn't work. This was personal. This was something he needed to do. Something he wanted to do. Wasn't it?</p><p>Moving over to the overstuffed chair in the alcove of his window, he pulled the tablet down onto his lap, switching it on as he did so. He had no idea what he was doing, what he would even search for. It wasn't like you could just type "I'm a boy who likes another boy" into a search engine and get results that would explain his perversion. Unless maybe it was that simple. Could it be?</p><p>Alec sat like that for long enough for the room to get dark and for him to get stiff. The stolen tablet was still in his hands, still staring at him as if it was mocking him. What was he doing? This was ridiculous. He moved to stand up so he could return the piece of tech to the ops centre before his crime was discovered.</p><p>When he did so, he tapped the screen accidentally and the tablet started to shine in the newly darkened room. Without conscious thought, Alec brought up an internet search engine. It wasn't like it could <em>hurt</em> searching for it, even if it returned no results. The most that would happen would be that he would feel dumb for trying.</p><p>He attempted to make his hands stop shaking as he manoeuvred the stylus over the internet icon. He didn't quite succeed.</p><p>When the search engine came up, it took his breath away slightly. He knew that internet use wasn't forbidden by the Clave, but it still felt wrong to be using it for such selfish reasons...especially when it was to research something he knew that the Clave <em>did </em>think was, if not forbidden, certainly heavily frowned upon.</p><p>"I'm a boy who likes another boy" he whispered as he typed, feeling foolish when he did so. Pressing enter felt like he was closing the door on his own life. He had typed out what he'd never had the courage to say out loud. Forever more, some server somewhere would know that someone in New York had typed in that absolutely ridiculous statement.</p><p>He wasn't at all prepared for what happened next.</p><p><em>1.54 billion results? </em>That couldn't be right. He checked what he'd typed, and it was correct. He even closed the search engine and opened it again typing the same question. He got the same response. There were 1.54 <em>billion</em> people who had asked the same question? Maybe he wasn't as alone as he'd thought.</p><p>Alec went into the history of the tablet and deleted his last few web pages, scrubbing them from the machine. The last thing he needed was someone looking at the history and getting someone in trouble. He didn't know what would happen then. He'd like to think he'd be brave enough to stand up and say it was him, but he didn't know whether he could promise that.</p><p>No, it was best that the evidence was deleted. He wished he could delete his feelings so readily.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Alec couldn't get the number out of his head. It seemed to echo around him, permeating his every thought. He woke up thinking of the number, found himself thinking of it when he was out on patrol, and fell asleep with the zeros in front of his eyes. 1.54 billion people asking the same question, or 1.54 billion hits at least. This was far bigger than him, far bigger than his small cloistered upbringing. He owed it to himself to at least read some of the results...didn't he?</p><p>It took over a week of wracking his brain before he realised what he was going to do. When the idea came to him, as they were walking around Queens on a patrol, he mentally smacked himself around the head.</p><p>Mundane technology was comparable to Shadowhunter tech, he could probably get the same results if he looked at one of <em>their</em> computers. Except he didn't know any mundanes...and in any case, what was he going to say? "Excuse me, I know you don't know me, but do you mind if I borrow this so that I can search for websites to explain my existence?" It was ludicrous to even think that.</p><p>The neon light flashing outside the late-night café seemed to be guiding him. He'd seen the sign when they'd been out, clocked it for something he wanted to explore later, and snuck out of the Institute as soon as he could. Who knew internet cafés were even a thing? Mundanes thought up some amazing things.</p><p>He bought a green tea and an hour of time at the short counter in the café. The hipster looking man behind the counter looked bored as he made the drink and didn't even blink when he asked which computer he was supposed to use. Alec thought it made him sound like an idiot, but the man just told him to sit anywhere. Alec supposed that he did this all day every day and so this wasn't new to him. The man had no idea that he was about to make someone's night.</p><p>Alec sat down at a computer that was perpendicular to the window and to the counter. Hopefully, that meant that neither would be able to see what he was working on. He opened the search engine on the computer and took a deep breath as he typed in the same thing he had over a week ago.</p><p>He didn't say it out loud, just typed the statement into the search engine. "I'm a boy who likes another boy."</p><p>
  <em>1.54 billion results.</em>
</p><p>Alec had half expected it to be a dream, for him to type the statement in and for the computer to return zero results, but there it was in black and white. There was still 1.54 billion sitting there in front of him. He swallowed hard and looked around to check he wasn't being watched. When he was satisfied, he clicked on the first link and started to read.</p><p>The first paragraph of the article, or blog post hit him like a tonne of bricks.</p><p>
  <em>Some boys are into other boys. You don't have the problem. The homophobes have the problem.</em>
</p><p>He stared at the three sentences for so long his tea went cold. He wasn't the problem, the people that had a problem with him were the problem. He didn't think he could cope with the truth of that. That didn't sound right at all and he didn't even know how to unpack that sentiment. The article seemed to be suggesting that liking someone of the same sex was okay – more than that it was something to be celebrated.</p><p>"Mate?"</p><p>Alec jumped when he heard the man speak to him, and hastily closed the web browser he had open. The man behind him laughed, not unkindly.</p><p>"It's okay, I'm not spying."</p><p>Alec tried to give the man a smile, but he thought it probably came out more of a grimace.</p><p>"Just, you've been here over an hour and a half. I gave you a few extra minutes because you looked like you needed it, but my boss will have my ass if I give you any more free time."</p><p>Alec scrambled to his feet, tripping over his apologetic words and over his own feet in his haste to get out of the internet café and to the relative safety of the outside world, his mind churning.</p><p>~~~</p><p>It took Alec a few days, a few days where he was pretty sure he had a blush across his cheeks the entire time out of the mortification of nearly being discovered, but then he started to think. He'd been anonymous in the café, the man hadn't seemed to really know what he had been looking at, or if he had, it hadn't disgusted him like it should have (and Alec really didn't have the energy to work out how <em>that</em> could be true). Perhaps he was somehow worrying over nothing.</p><p>Alec wasn't quite sure how he got the courage to do it, but nearly a week after that fateful meeting, he found himself wandering down the same street to the same café. He walked past the door several times before he even had enough courage to look at the door of the place. Several more times before he had the handle under his palm and he was opening the peeling black door.</p><p>As he was crossing the threshold, he suddenly thought that he could have gone to any of the other internet cafés in the city, but for some reason that would have been worse. It would almost be like starting the whole process again. He wasn't sure whether the man <em>had</em> seen the article he had been reading, but if he had, the man didn't seem bothered by it either, and that made Alec intrigued more than anything else. Perhaps there were people in this world he could even <em>talk</em> to about this.</p><p>The idea made him feel simultaneously giddy and terrified at the same time. Maybe he really wasn't alone. Maybe there were people in real life who were like him, not just words on the internet.</p><p>"Green tea, right?"</p><p>Alec looked up quickly into the face of the same man who had been there last time and laughed nervously. "Right."</p><p>"90 mins?"</p><p>Alec swallowed with difficulty before answering. "Probably more this time, I don't know how long I'll be though."</p><p>"Tell you what, we'll start a tab, you pay at the end." The man said, smiling.</p><p>Alec was so grateful he found himself grinning back. He knew that he blushed when he quietly told him thank you.</p><p>Alec typed the same phrase into the search engine as he had last time, and continued to read.</p><p>He didn't know how much time had passed when he heard the familiar voice again. "More tea?"</p><p>Alec jumped. He knew he'd been reading the same sentence over and over again, trying to make it make sense, but he hadn't realised the other man had approached, which was a singular failure for a Shadowhunter. He'd just have to add that to his list of sins. He didn't even remember whether he'd drank the first cup. He reached for it and accidentally knocked it off the table.</p><p>The man's hand thrust out and he managed to catch it, he had very fast reflexes for a mundane.</p><p>Alec turned to apologise and saw the way the man's hair had fallen into his eyes and he realised that the man was really handsome. He had brown hair and brown eyes, the polar opposite of Jace. He was surprised to find that he found him attractive. Up until this point he had almost convinced himself that he was only attracted to Jace, that Jace was an anomaly, that perhaps all of those whispers about broken Shadowhunters were right, that someone like him just needed to "find the right girl". This man's expansive brown eyes were in direct opposition to that idea.</p><p>"Good catch." Alec said, smiling. He thought he was probably blushing too, but he couldn't think too much about that if he wanted to keep sane. "And yeah...I guess I forgot about that one."</p><p>The man smiled again. "No problem. I'll only charge you for one if you don't tell anyone."</p><p>Just as the man walked away, he winked conspiratorially at him and Alec's stomach did a little flip.</p><p>Alec was once more engrossed in his research when the man came back, this time purposefully putting the cup far away from the edge of the table.</p><p>"What are you researching?" The man said, sitting down next to Alec. "Can I help at all?"</p><p>Alec didn't know what he was supposed to say to that, he couldn't very well close the webpage down with the man sitting right next to him, and he wasn't sure where he would even start. He didn't know why, and perhaps it was his burgeoning crush, but he felt like he <em>could</em> tell this man what he was doing.</p><p>"I..." Alec started, but was interrupted by the door opening. On reflex, he closed the page down, breathing heavily as a new man walked into the shop. He was older than the proprietor of the café, although Alec couldn't have put an age to him. He had greying hair at the sides of his head, the majority of which was covered with jet black hair.</p><p>"Sorry I'm late." The new man said, walking over to them.</p><p>"You're <em>always</em> late, Toby."</p><p>"And it's one of the things you love about me."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah." The younger man said, rising with a smile and pulling the man closer so he could kiss him quickly on the lips.</p><p>Alec stared in shock, unable to look away. It wasn't a passionate kiss, but it was clearly a kiss given with romantic love and not one that a friend would bestow on another friend.</p><p>"Who's your friend?" Toby asked, gesturing to Alec.</p><p>"We hadn't actually got that far yet," the man replied, then moved back to where Alec was still sitting dumbstruck, "I'm Nate. I own this little slice of heaven."</p><p>Alec found he couldn't remember his own name, couldn't even remember how to breathe properly.</p><p>"I've...uh...I've got to go." He said, vaulting himself out of the chair and towards the front door.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Alec didn't know what to do over the next few days. He didn't know whether he should go back to the café, or whether he should go to a different one, or whether he should just give up entirely. He didn't <em>want</em> to give up entirely though, because what little he'd read made him think that this wasn't a perversion. That what he felt, what he <em>was </em>wasn't wrong. That what he'd been told all his life had been a lie.</p><p>It was terrifying, but it had an undercurrent of hope to it as well, like maybe he could work within it. It wasn't an all or nothing, black and white situation. He could live within the grey. He could be Alec Lightwood Shadowhunter, and Alec Lightwood – . Alec didn't even feel sure enough to add a label to himself but at least the gap in his mind where a moniker would be applied was present now. That seemed like a major step in the right direction.</p><p>"Sorry about last time." Alec said immediately on opening the door to the internet café. He had to say it immediately or he knew he'd lose his nerve.</p><p>Nate laughed fondly at the frantic look on the man's face. He'd seen that look before. He'd <em>had</em> that look plastered on his own face before. "It's fine, Green Tea."</p><p>"Alec."</p><p>"Alec. Nice to meet you. I'm..."</p><p>"Nate, right? And your...you have a...there's a Toby?" Alec stumbled. God he was making an idiot of himself.</p><p>"There is in fact a Toby," Nate said, carefully. He turned back away from Alec towards the coffee machine, starting to make the young man's drink. "He's my boyfriend."</p><p>Alec was grateful for Nate turning away, he didn't know where he was supposed to look. <em>Boyfriend</em> sounded like such a big word.</p><p>"Right." Alec said quietly.</p><p>They lapsed into silence after that, Nate busying himself making the tea, Alec thinking far too loudly.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?" Nate asked, putting the steaming cup of tea down in front of Alec.</p><p>"Yes? No?" Alec moved the cup far enough to his right so that he could drop his head down onto his arms resting on the counter. "I don't know."</p><p>Nate laughed fondly again. "That's a good place to start."</p><p>Alec looked up at the other man with an incredulous look on his face. "What?"</p><p>"'I don't know' is miles better than 'this isn't happening' and 'I'm going to run from it'." Nate replied, kindly.</p><p>"There's a healthy dose of that in there too," Alec replied, "just for clarity."</p><p>Nate smiled at Alec again. "Like I said…good start. We can go from there..."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Izzy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All of the Lightwoods trained in the dojo, sometimes with other Shadowhunters, but often on their own.</p><p>Izzy liked fighting with both Jace and Alec, but she couldn't deny that training with her oldest brother alone wasn't something she looked forward to. It was a time when they could both let go, a time that reminded her of childhood training that they did, unsure how to fight with the weapons, knocking each other down far more often than not, injuries abounding and laughter. There was a lot of laughter when they were younger. There was no family pressure, there was no expectation. It was just them, the training, and their bond. It was perfect.</p><p>When Izzy knocked Alec onto his ass for the fourth time that day, she sighed plonking herself down next to her brother instead of helping him back to his feet.</p><p>"Izzy? What..." Alec started, attempting to get to his feet.</p><p>His younger sister threw herself across his legs so he couldn't get up. "Stay down. We need to talk."</p><p>Alec huffed out a breath, crossing his arms in front of himself, his legs still kicked out in front of him. He raised an eyebrow at his sister. "<em>What?</em>"</p><p>"Come on, big brother, Talk to me."</p><p>Alec gave it one last ditch attempt. "There's nothing to talk about."</p><p>He really wasn't sure he wanted to talk about this, and he was under no delusions what 'this' was. Izzy wouldn't have literally forced him to stop if it was something simple. The only person he even <em>could</em> talk to would be his sister, but he wasn't sure he was strong enough for even that. Whilst his new-found friendship with Nate allowed him the freedom to talk about this in general, talking about it in specifics to someone who actually knew him was somehow far, far more terrifying.</p><p>Izzy levelled Alec with a look that she'd learnt from her mother. It was a look that brooked no argument whatsoever. It actually made Alec laugh a little.</p><p>"Okay." Alec replied, then suddenly wasn't sure what else he was going to say.</p><p>How did he explain this to her? There wasn't a way to explain a feeling, a yearning deep down that he couldn't contend with. Aside from Nate, and possibly his father, no-one knew. Not really. Isabelle had inferred that he had a crush on Jace off a single look, let him cry on her and then never mentioned it again...and that had been years ago. As far as she was concerned, he might have had that one blip. Despite how close they were, she'd never mentioned it again and he hadn't brought it up either.</p><p>Isabelle had always taken an interest in his love life, but seemed to shut up whenever he told her to in too strong terms. No, this was him actually, properly outing himself. This wasn't Nate finding out accidentally, or his father just somehow intrinsically <em>knowing. </em>This was him. This was <em>all</em> him. This was him having to say the specific words. This was his decision to say the thing out loud, and it was terrifying.</p><p>"Not here." Alec finally continued.</p><p>Isabelle got off her brother immediately when she heard that. "Roof?"</p><p>Alec smiled at his sister, recognising the destination as somewhere where many difficult conversations had been held in the past. The fact that his sister saw this conversation for the weight it held emboldened him somewhat. It meant that she wasn't going to dismiss him out of hand…at least he hoped that would be the case. "Sure."</p><p>The Lightwood siblings had been meeting on the roof of the Institute for as long as they could remember. It was a sneaky way to get round the parental question 'Did you leave the Institute?'</p><p>Robert had once threatened that he'd borrow the Soul Sword and check whether they were lying and Alec and Isabelle had shared a look, barely concealing their laughter. They hadn't been <em>lying</em> exactly so it wouldn't pick up on it even if he did follow through on the threat. They had been pretty sure that he was lying about his clout and ability to borrow the sword, but they didn't want to push their luck. He was Robert Lightwood after all. There was very little he couldn't do.</p><p>Izzy walked through the door onto the roof first, leaving it open for her brother.</p><p>Alec took a deep breath before he crossed the threshold and then used the brick that they had worked free for exactly this purpose to prop the door open. They'd been locked on the roof once before, and although it hadn't been too bad getting down, not with their runes, it had been difficult to explain why they had walked in through the front door twice without seeming to have left the building. They managed to convince someone that they'd gone out and no-one had noticed, but it was a close-run thing. They still weren't sure whether their mother had believed that story or not. It was very likely that she hadn't, but didn't have enough proof to punish them so let it be.</p><p>Izzy sat down on the parapet at the edge of the roof, crossing her legs at the ankle. She didn't say anything, knowing that Alec needed to talk, so she sat and waited until her brother came to sit beside her, his long legs dangling off the side of the roof like they had done many, many times before.</p><p>The silence stretched, but it wasn't particularly uncomfortable, something that Alec was singularly pleased by. Whatever happened, his sister was always someone who he could just <em>be</em> with…and if he couldn't talk to her about this, who could he?</p><p>"Iz…" He started, then stalled again, looking out over the Institute's grounds and into the wider city of New York, thinking of the many thousands of people who were going about their lives. How many of them were like him?</p><p>He had no idea how to even start the conversation with his sister, and was annoyed he'd made himself sit down because this seemed like something that would have been easier to discuss as he was pacing, as he was not sitting so close…then again perhaps sitting close to his sister would be more helpful in garnering support instead. The problem was, now the time had actually come to say something, he was second guessing every single part of it. Perhaps he should have done this at ground level? He really didn't want to explain to anyone how he'd broken a leg if his sister pushed him off the roof.</p><p>He couldn't lie to her, but he also couldn't shake the feeling that their conversation years ago had been an anomaly. He couldn't quite quiet the voice in the back of his head that told him he might lose her, that this might be the last conversation he would have with her.</p><p>"So..." Izzy said after a good few minutes of silence.</p><p>"Um..." Alec started, then shook himself and sat up straighter, "right." <em>He could do this.</em></p><p>Isabelle waited. She knew her brother didn't talk about himself often, that he much preferred looking after others rather than receiving that help himself. It took a lot to make him speak about his feelings, still more to get him to admit that he <em>needed</em> to. The fact that she had managed to get him to talk by merely suggesting that they do so was almost unheard of. She tried to clamp down on the nerves that were coursing through her. They were close enough that she could often tell how he was feeling from his stance, tone, or mannerisms – and right now his body was screaming.</p><p>"The thing is…" Alec said and then halted. "I've been thinking recently, about things…about me…and I've…" He stalled again, not knowing how he was going to be able to even get this out.</p><p>"Is this about where you've been sneaking off to?" Izzy asked softly.</p><p>"What!" Alec said, turning so quickly to his sister that he nearly overbalanced. He put his hand down on the roof and let his Agility rune do it's work as he stayed aloft. "You<em> knew </em>about that?"</p><p>"Big brother, you are many things, but you can't do stealth unless you're on a mission." Izzy said softly. "So yeah, I knew."</p><p>Alec lost all colour in his cheeks and suddenly thought he might seriously throw up. "Do you think…does <em>everyone</em> know I sneak out? Does <em>Jace</em>?"</p><p>Izzy put an arm around her brother and rested her head on his shoulder. "No. No-one else knows. Do you seriously think if Jace knew he wouldn't have tried to get the information out of you by now?"</p><p>Alec sagged into his sister at that pronouncement. He didn't know what he would have done if Jace had known. That seemed like one step too far, especially given his feelings for him regarding the matter.</p><p>"I've been…" He let out a long exhale then turned to her, waiting until she was looking into his eyes before he spoke again. "Do you remember that conversation we had a few years ago?"</p><p>Isabelle's eyes held nothing but love as she nodded, but she didn't say anything.</p><p>Alec nodded back. "Okay, good."</p><p>They sat their on the roof for hours after that, leaning against each other and watching the sun set, in companionable silence as they had so many times before.</p><p>Alec breathed out a sigh of relief. Of course they didn't need to have the conversation, of course his sister has his back regardless, of course this didn't change things between them.</p><p>That simple fact shifted something inside him and he wondered whether this was the start of an acceptance inside himself too – he certainly hated himself a little less.</p><p>~~~</p><p>A few weeks later, they were both training together when Alec shot an arrow that entirely missed the target he was aiming for. His finger had spasmed at the last second and it had completely thrown off his aim.</p><p>"Well <em>that </em>wasn't straight, big brother." Izzy said, hiding her face behind her hand and giggling.</p><p>Alec looked around behind him quickly but saw that they were alone in the training room. His heart rate had spiked at the joke, even though if anyone <em>had</em> heard it, it would probably have just sounded like his sister was needling him about his prowess rather than a commentary about his sexuality. When he saw they were alone, he turned back to his sister and rolled his eyes.</p><p>She smiled sweetly back at him and he couldn't help but smile back. He appreciated his sister's support, and knowing he had it in this, as he had it in all other areas of his life, was something precious.</p><p>Izzy, for her part, was internally celebrating this small victory, and vowed to get Alec comfortable with himself one careful joke at a time.</p><p>She loved him, and it was her duty as his sister to get him to love himself as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Magnus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Normally I <em>love</em> a dirty lair, but this one's just sloppy."</p><p>Alec heard Magnus speak, and whilst he didn't understand the reference, the flirtatious way that Magnus said it spoke to a suggestive joke in his phrasing. He wanted to look around the room, perhaps check in with his siblings, but he didn't want to draw attention to himself, unsure whether it was a joke he should have got or not.</p><p>He was still trying to blend into the wallpaper when Magnus spoke again, and he was unsure whether there had been any other parts of the conversation in between. He needed to get it together, his mind wondering wasn't a good tactic for a soldier. He should be awake and alert at all times, and <em>not </em>trying to avert his gaze from the most beautiful man Alec had ever seen.</p><p>"Pretty boy! Get your team ready." Alec heard Magnus say as he was looking around the loft, only peripherally paying attention.</p><p>Alec heard the slight sound of Magnus moving his hand into Jace's chest when he stepped forward. He clocked the movement, but didn't think anything of it at all because of course this warlock would be referencing Jace, it certainly wouldn't be the first Downworlder to fall into lust with his brother, and he doubted it would be the last.</p><p>"I'm not talking to you." Magnus continued, which caused Alec to look over to him, because who else could he possibly be referencing?</p><p>"I'm talking to <em>you</em>." Magnus continued, pointing towards Alec.</p><p>Alec blinked and stared between Magnus and Jace, completely confused. When Jace turned his gaze to him with an incredulous raise of his eyebrows, Alec found himself shrugging. He had no idea why Magnus <em>hadn't</em> meant Jace. It had taken him a few moments to realise that Magnus had meant <em>him,</em> and he didn't know what to do with that information. He certainly wasn't pretty, and the fact that Magnus even said that seemed very much like a dig at him in some way. Did he know the secret he was hiding? Was it a slur of some kind? Could warlocks read minds? Was that a warlock trait?</p><p>Regardless of whether it was a joke or not, he couldn't help the faint blush on his cheeks or the small smile that crossed his face seconds later. Magnus, a man who was possibly one of those beautiful he had ever met thought <em>he </em>was pretty. That couldn't be right. Could it? And what did he even do with that information? He found himself adjusting the bow on his shoulder nervously, unsure what to do with his hands.</p><p>Magnus' blatant flirting must be an act that he was playing, a way to put the Shadowhunters in his home on the back foot. He'd decided to make him uncomfortable as he saw him as the weak link in the group.</p><p>If the way that Alec was reacting to a mere comment was anything to go by, Magnus wasn't wrong.</p><p>~~~</p><p>When Luke was hurt during his bid for the leader of the New York pack, he had been taken to Magnus to help him heal.</p><p>Alec's phone ringing wasn't new, but the discussion that he had on it with his Parabatai was, after he was told to go to the High Warlock of Brooklyn's loft.</p><p>"Magnus…why does Magnus need me?" Alec said, his voice rising. How the fuck was that likely to be the case? What could <em>he</em> possibly do to help in this situation?</p><p>When Jace told him that 'virgin Shadowhunter energy' was required for the healing, he pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at it, as if that would make that sentence make more sense, before putting it back to his ear again. Whilst that <em>was</em> the correct epithet for him, he found the fact that he clearly screamed that he was a virgin from every pore rather concerning.</p><p>"I'm counting on you to do the right thing." Jace said, and Alec sighed, because there was nothing, he wouldn't do for his Parabatai…up to and including helping a werewolf connected to a new annoying girl.</p><p>When he arrived at the loft, he saw Magnus on the floor, kneeling over Luke, clearly in pain from the process he was doing on his patient.</p><p>Alec couldn't help but kneel next to him, wanting to help as much as he possible could, even though he didn't understand just what his lack of sexual prowess had to do with the magic that was being wrought.</p><p>"Help me, I need your strength." Magnus grit out.</p><p>Alec looked at the man, pausing as he thought about the situation, then he made the jump, deciding to trust the man in front of him.</p><p>"Take what you need." He said, raising his hand.</p><p>Magnus looked at him a beat longer, then clasped his hand.</p><p>Alec felt the jolt through his whole body, the connection between him and Magnus somehow something more than he had ever felt before. It was pressure rather than pain, but the pull of his own energy out of him and into Magnus felt…almost <em>right</em> in some way, like they had already been connected and this was just the physical manifestation of that.</p><p>Alec didn't know what it meant, but he thought he might want to find out.</p><p>~~~</p><p>"Stay for one more drink?" Magnus asked, smiling in that way that was rapidly becoming something Alec liked to look at, and he'd barely spent any time with the man.</p><p>Alec opened his mouth to decline, but when Magnus raised his finger to his lips to shush him, he looked down at it and then back up into the other man's eyes. He smiled back and accepted the drink, ignoring the jolt of pleasure that shot through him at the slight touch of Magnus' fingers against his as he accepted the glass.</p><p>The evening passed in a haze of drinks and easy chatting that Alec didn't think would be possible with any person, let alone a warlock. The way Magnus spoke made him interesting, and he clearly had many years of anecdotes to tell, but he never made Alec feel stupid, or young, or inexperienced. He listened and laughed and was pleased to hear all that Magnus wanted to say. He felt himself sharing things too, things that he didn't even realise were subjects of conversations. He never understood the point of small talk, of conversing in such a way that wasn't about service and honour and the war on demons.</p><p>That evening they talked about anything and everything. Alec shared that his favourite time of day was dusk, as the light turned to the colour of a fading bruise and turned into night. It was something that he'd vaguely noted in the past, but not something he ever thought to tell anyone.</p><p>Magnus shared that he liked dawn and the promise of a new day, and Alec loved that they both liked the liminal space between times, and that they were opposites.</p><p>They certainly were that in every way.</p><p>~~~</p><p>When Alec awoke, vaguely hearing someone talk about sugar, it took him a moment to realise where he was. He certainly wasn't in his bed at the Institute. Noticing Magnus, he frowned a little, trying to make his brain catch up to what had happened the night before.</p><p>"Did I fall asleep?" He asked quietly.</p><p>"We both did." He saw the soft smile on Magnus' face, and it caused his heartrate to spike, but he still jumped to his feet when Magnus sat down. He felt rather than saw the eye roll Magnus gave him. "On separate couches, never fear."</p><p>"I should've never taken you up on your offer for drinks." Alec said, even as he remembered how much fun he had had the night before. It had just felt <em>right </em>in some way, effortless and calming and kind of just what he needed.</p><p>He remembered talking, and drinking, lots of drinking. Did he make a fool of himself? Did he share anything he shouldn't? Angel what had he done? He was supposed to have gone back to the Institute hours ago!</p><p>"In hindsight, liquor might've been a bad idea after being drained of <em>all</em> my magic trying to heal your friend Luke." Magnus said dramatically and with some bitterness.</p><p>Alec felt his own eye roll, one he couldn't have stopped even if he wanted to. "Not my friend. He's Clary Fairchild's. I've only known her for five days and she's already more trouble than she's worth."</p><p>Magnus considered that for a moment, and Alec wondered just what he was going to say. "You're more than just a pretty face, aren't you?"</p><p>That made Alec mad, because…well it wouldn't be the first time Magnus had called him pretty, but he didn't understand it in this context. He wasn't entirely sure that he even believed him the other time he had said it. "What is <em>that</em> supposed to mean?" He bit out.</p><p>"You shared your strength with me to help your friend. It's rare to find a Shadowhunter with such an...open heart." Magnus replied.</p><p>Alec paused as he shrugged into his jacket. "I trust you. I don't know why, but I do."</p><p>He was surprised to find that he meant that with his whole being. He truly did trust Magnus – and wasn't that a surprise?</p><p>Alec saw the smile cross Magnus' face again, and he felt another jolt in his chest at the look. The man had a truly gorgeous smile.</p><p>"Stay for breakfast! I conjure up a mean Belgian waffle." The warlock said.</p><p>Alec found himself really wanting to say yes to the offer, but knew that this little bubble he had been living in for the last several hours had to burst, he had to go back to his life, to his duty. He had to cut whatever this was off at the knees and continue on back to his life, his duty, his service.</p><p>"No. And if you let anyone know I slept here last night…" He threatened.</p><p>Magnus' response lessened the tightness of his shoulders a little. "Relax. My reputation's on the line just as much as yours. I'd lose all credibility if my people found out I let a Shadowhunter spend the night."</p><p>Alec felt himself softening at the man in front of him and he suddenly desperately needed to know the answer to this question. "Why'd you let me sleep here?"</p><p>"Trust makes you do strange things...must be something in the air."</p><p>Alec felt himself smile even as his heart leapt into his chest at the implications of the conversation. He could let himself dream for a second, couldn't he?</p><p>Maybe Izzy had been right…having Downworlder friends was appropriate after all.</p><p>~~~</p><p>"Magnus! You said you needed to talk to me?" Alec said, walking into the apartment, irritation warring with concern in his head. Why had he been summoned? He had things to do.</p><p>"Nice to see you, Alec. I wasn't sure if you'd come. You know how I hate to drink alone." Magnus said, and Alec felt himself sigh. This seemed like yet more of Magnus' games and he didn't think he had the energy for that. Not when a substantial part of his being just wanted to give in, to spend time with the man, to--- but no, he couldn't think like that. There was nothing that could happen here, no matter what his heart may be saying.</p><p>"I didn't come here to drink. Do you have any information –  " Alec said, slightly more forcefully than he intended.</p><p>" – on the warlock who cast a spell on Jocelyn? I'm looking into it. But we never really finished our conversation after Izzy's trial. About your wedding?" Magnus replied, and Alec wanted to scream. He <em>definitely</em> didn't want to talk to Magnus about that.</p><p>"There's no conversation to be had. I'm getting married. You and I, we understand marriage very differently. I'm a Shadowhunter. This is about family, and tradition, honour – " Alec replied, but he felt like he was saying those words by rote rather than truly believing them anymore.</p><p>This man in front of him, the way he'd been speaking to Nate, him coming out to Izzy, it was all opening him up to a world that he was going to deliberately turn his back on. He <em>had</em> to marry Lydia Bramwell, but he also had to marry her knowing that even though it was the right thing for his head, it wasn't the right thing for his heart.</p><p>Being a Shadowhunter was about sacrifice, but he had no idea how much it would hurt to do so, he felt like he'd never had to sacrifice anything before. Before, he'd known what his life was about, known what he was supposed to do, now he was making a deliberate choice to turn towards a life he no longer felt he completely fit into.</p><p>"Honour? Where's the honour in living a lie?" Magnus replied, and Alec seriously considered, for the second time, whether Magnus could actually read his thoughts.</p><p>"What are you talking about?" Alec said, exasperation in his tone even as his stomach tumbled as he worried that his inner monologue was written all over his face.</p><p>"What about...love? Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec." Magnus continued, proving again that he knew just what to say to get to the root of the issue.</p><p>Alec <em>didn't</em> love Lydia, but there was nothing he could do to stop the journey he was now on.</p><p>"Just tell me you're in love with Lydia, and I'll stop."</p><p>Alec took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment, because he couldn't lie to Magnus, but he also didn't see the point of having the conversation, because there was nothing good that could come from it. No, he didn't love Lydia, no he didn't want to marry her, but he would do so, to help the Institute, to give the world more Shadowhunters. He liked Lydia, they could be a team even if they weren't in love, he could give her that.</p><p>"I don't know." Alec said, then felt himself get frustrated, and it wasn't even truly Magnus' fault, it was the fault of the situation he had found himself in.</p><p>"Why do you keep pushing me?" He continued, even though he didn't think he was being fair. Was Magnus really pushing? Or was he trying to get him to see a part of himself that he had been hurriedly pushing away every time it reared its head?</p><p>"You're confusing me!" Fuck, but wasn't he confusing himself as well? Didn't he <em>know</em> what he was feeling? Hadn't be researched this? He knew what the options were, and he was choosing the one he <em>had </em>to choose, regardless of how much he wanted to pick the other option.</p><p>"Confusion is part of it. That's how you find out if something's there. Emotions are never black-and-white. They're more like...symptoms." Magnus said patiently.</p><p>Alec didn't know how to reply to that, considering his previous thoughts, but thankfully he didn't have to say anything, because Magnus continued talking.</p><p>"You lose your breath every time they walk into a room." Magnus said, and Alec felt his breath hitch, as if Magnus had done it on purpose.</p><p>Magnus began to circle him, explaining more about how he had started to think, how he had started to feel about the man in front of him. "Your heart beats faster when they walk by." Magnus being so close to him <em>did</em> make his heart beat faster, and he once again wondered whether it was the proximity of the man or some form of magic.</p><p>"Your skin tingles when you walk close enough to feel their breath." Magnus almost whispered, and Alec felt the breath of Magnus on his neck, and he shuddered. Angel, he wanted what Magnus was saying, <em>felt </em>what Magnus was saying deep down to his soul, but knew there was nothing he could do about it. He had never wanted his destiny to be changed so much in all his life.</p><p>"I know you feel what I feel, Alec." The warlock finished, and Alec wanted to turn to him, wanted to tell him that everything was true, that all of that was something he felt, something he wanted, something he yearned for; but he knew it was something he wouldn't be able to have, so he hardened himself instead.</p><p>"You don't have any clue what I feel. So back off." He gritted out, feeling his heart screaming at him as he said the next part, but knowing he had to say it, for Magnus, for himself, he had to cut whatever this was off, because if he didn't he would do something stupid like kiss the man, and that was something that just could not happen.</p><p>"This is all just a game to you, isn't it? You flirt, you laugh, you use magic, but at the end of the day, what do you risk? Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what's right for me. I could lose my family, my career, everything. You just don't get it." He said, and he meant every word, even as it cut him to the bone to say it. Whist all of that was true, that wasn't the whole truth, and the fact he couldn't say the rest was killing him.</p><p>"You have a choice to make. I will not ask again." Magnus finished, disappearing, and Alec took another deep breath before walking away, out of the apartment of a man he had started to care for, and back into his regimented life.</p><p>He was a Shadowhunter. His lot in life was to fight demons, support his team, propagate the species, and die in that service to the Angel. There was no room for feelings, for emotions, there was only room for duty.</p><p>It was foolish to wish for anything else.</p><p>~~~</p><p>In the lead up to the wedding, Alec found that his temper was quick to rise. It didn't matter how much steam he blew off in training, how many times he shot arrows from the Institute roof, there was a low simmering heat inside him that he couldn't quench.</p><p>Magnus' words swam around in his head, every conversation they had ever had, every moment they had shared, every smile he had thrown his way, every bit of flirting that he had tried to rebuff and wasn't entirely sure he had succeeded.</p><p>
  <em>You don't have to marry her. You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it…and I don't either.</em>
</p><p>The thing was, Magnus wasn't actually wrong.</p><p>Alec would marry Lydia, they would form a partnership in many ways in their life, they would run the Institute, have children, and continue on the Shadowhunter line, but she wasn't his person.</p><p>Shadowhunters fell in love once in their lives, and he knew that Lydia wasn't the one in that sense, but she was the one person who he could at least learn to like, and that would have to be enough.</p><p>Except then Izzy planned a bachelor party for him, and it turned out to be just an excuse to get him and Jace together. He both loved and hated his sister a lot when he realised what she had done, but he and Jace couldn't stay at odd forever, and even though her plan was a little heavy-handed, it was necessary. Parabatai's hating each other was not conducive to being a good Shadowhunter.</p><p>However when he found himself talking with Jace, his own feelings on the Magnus matter came out without him even intending them to, shocking himself probably as much as he was surprising his brother. Once their discussion was over, once they had made up and he was back in his room, his own words came back to haunt him.</p><p>
  <em>You have this plan for your life, and you know what you need to do and what your responsibilities are, but then somebody comes along and pushes you off that path.</em>
</p><p>Wasn't that the truth though?</p><p>His entire life had been mapped out from birth, as all Shadowhunter's were. Service to the Clave, to their sacred mission, and yet over the last few weeks it was harder to see that path for what it was, harder to see the path as set in stone. It now seemed to diverge instead, giving him a choice that he would never have thought he could have. It was confusing as all get out, but also oddly freeing, knowing that there was the possibility of free will in his life.</p><p>The day of his wedding dawned and he had steeled himself for what he must do, but when the doors to the chapel opened and Magnus walked into the room and Lydia stalled with the Stele halfway towards his skin, his resolve weakened a little. He imagined he could feel the heat emanating from the device held close to him by the woman, even though he knew that wasn't how they worked.</p><p>Suddenly, looking at Magnus down the aisle, in which he looked somehow so far away and so close, his sister's words from over a decade ago swam to the forefront of his brain.</p><p>
  <em>Someday you're going to find someone who's going to love you heart and soul.</em>
</p><p>Magnus might not be that someone, but it definitely wasn't Lydia, and didn't he owe it to himself to find out?</p><p>He saw his mother stride down the aisle to speak with Magnus, but he couldn't take his eyes off him, and it was only when Lydia spoke that he felt the connection break, even though he could still feel Magnus' eyes on him, as if they were a physical presence.</p><p>"Alec? Hey." Lydia said softly, pulling Alec's focus back to herself, tearing his eyes away from Magnus.</p><p>He turned back towards Lydia, speaking quietly. "I can't breathe."</p><p>"I know," she said. "It's okay."</p><p>Alec shook his head a little, and he saw the way Lydia's face fell as he said the next few words, but he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't get married now to her, not like this.</p><p>"I can't do this. I thought we were doing the right thing, but…this isn't it." He started, hoping that she would understand.</p><p>Lydia, to her credit, immediately responded. "You don't have to explain."</p><p>He thought that was a pretty impressive comment considering he was about to leave her at the altar, but he also knew the woman, knew that she wanted truth at all times, and he couldn't go into this marriage on a lie.</p><p>"Lydia, I'm sorry." Alec said, meaning the words with every fibre of his being, because he <em>was</em> sorry; but he also wanted Lydia to be happy too, and although they could have carved out a life together, there would always be something missing for both of them, and he wanted her to find that as well.</p><p>"You deserve to be happy." She replied, and he smiled nervously at her.</p><p>He may <em>deserve</em> to be happy, but that didn't mean that the happiness wouldn't come with a price. He knew that he was about to do something almost unheard of, turn away from his duty to his family, to the clave, to the Angel even by not furthering the Shadowhunter line, but he was turning towards himself, towards Magnus, and that had to mean something. Didn't it?</p><p>"Okay?" She continued, stroking his cheek. "I'll be fine."</p><p>Alec turned to the congregation, looking around for a moment, the enormity of the situation threatening to swallow him; but then his eyes locked on Magnus as he stepped down a step, and that both bolstered and terrified him, as if he was stepping away from his old life and into a new one. He halted, feeling the weight of a hundred people or so people and a Silent Brother upon him. He felt the weight of the people in the room, the weight of his family, the weight of the Angel, the weight of thousands of years of Shadowhunter doctrine and duty, and he willingly turned from it, taking a second step down.</p><p>A step towards Magnus.</p><p>Once he was walking down the aisle, he found his strides firm and sure, everything else bleeding into the background. All that mattered was the gaze that Magnus had on him, the way they had locked eyes and had yet to break that contact, the way that Magnus had stopped, wasn't pushing forward, had just stared at him and let him make the decision for himself. That meant more to him than he could say.</p><p>He saw his mother walk towards him, no doubt a reprimand on her tongue, but he breezed past her, firmly telling her that he had had enough of her, not even hearing exactly what she had said.</p><p>Then he was there, in front of Magnus, and he placed his hands on Magnus' lapels and pulled him forcefully towards him in a firm kiss.</p><p>Alec felt Magnus' surprise for a split second, and he worried that he had made the wrong decision, that even though Magnus had turned up at his wedding, he didn't want him, that he had come to say his piece about something else, that he---and that was when he felt Magnus' arms around his waist holding him close.</p><p>Alec smiled into the kiss, then pulled back enough that he could look into Magnus' eyes, seeing the emotion echoed back in them before diving back in for a second kiss. The moment was perfect, so <em>right</em> that he wondered why he had been fighting it so hard.</p><p>When he finally pulled back from Magnus, he found himself smiling, even as the fact he had kissed a warlock in the middle of his own wedding, with many, <em>many</em> people surrounding him, slammed into him, even as he heard the whispers start up.</p><p>Oh Angel, the fallout from this was going to be considerable, but with the giddy feeling inside him, he couldn't <em>quite</em> seem to care right then.</p><p>This certainly wasn't what he expected his wedding day to be like, but he found it was a joyous occasion, nonetheless.</p><p>"You never cease to amaze me, Alec." Magnus said, pride and a healthy dose of relief in his tone.</p><p>Alec couldn't help the smile that crossed his face as well. That was fine, because he'd amazed himself too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fancy joining a multi-fandom Discord server where you can <s>squee with</s> chat with like minded people? Have I got the place for you!</p><p>Come and join <strong>The Fandom Playhouse</strong>. You don't have to be mad to <a href="https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD">join</a>, but it does help...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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